Conan the Barbarian - (August 19th, 2011): R
Distributor: Lionsgate
Opening Weekend Box-Office: #4 with $10,021,215
Domestic Box-Office Gross to-date: $17,058,504
Gross Revenue: $22,558,504
Production Budget: $90 million
Director: Marcus Nispel
The character of Conan the Barbarian has been around since 1932 and has appeared in a variety of different media, but his most memorable incarnation is undoubtedly the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Hollywood has never shied away from remakes, but I had to question the wisdom of resurrecting a film that critics hated nearly thirty years ago with an unknown actor in the leading role and a supporting cast filled with a number of Hollywood B-listers. Don’t get me wrong, Rachel Nichols (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra), Rose McGowan (Grindhouse), Stephan Lang (Avatar), and Ron Pearlman (Hellboy) have all had noteworthy offerings at the box office, but none of them were anywhere near famous enough to draw a large audience beyond devoted sword-and-sorcery fans. Clearly, Lionsgate had one hell of a challenge convincing audiences that Jason Momoa could carry a summer action film, but early trailers seemed to promise more than enough entertaining action. Still, I saw most marketing efforts as nothing more than vain attempts to support a film almost guaranteed to fail…were I not such a dedicated film analyst, there is no way I would have paid to see Conan the Barbarian.
Set in the fictional Hyborean Age, Conan the Barbarian introduces warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), who is seeking an ancient and supernatural mask that will give him the power to rule the world. The pieces of the mask have been scattered around the globe and are protected by various barbarian tribes, but Zym is able to collect the pieces and traces the final component of the mask to a barbarian tribe led by the respected warrior Corin (Ron Pearlman). Zym wastes no time in slaughtering the entire village and stealing the mask piece, the only surviving member being Corin’s young son, Conan, who vainly tried to save his father’s life. Fast forward twenty years, and the now-adult Conan (Jason Momoa) is thirsting for revenge, while Zym and his sorceress daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan), are searching for someone of pure spirit to use as a sacrifice in order to unlock the full power of the mask. After attacking a monastery and kidnapping one of its students, Tamara (Rachel Nichols), Zym and Marique make their way to the sacrificial temple, only to be interrupted by Conan. After kidnapping Tamara, Conan decides to retreat and regroup, so that the two can find a way to defeat Zym and save the world from his tyranny.
If the above plot synopsis sounds overly-complicated and completely formulaic, you have identified only one of the multiple weak elements that make Conan the Barbarian a complete disaster. The film throws the audience into a deep mythology with little explanation or guidance (aside from the grossly-misplaced narration by Morgan Freeman…yes, that Morgan Freeman), hoping that the moviegoers will be able to follow what is unfolding on-screen. The cast does little, if anything, to remedy this shortcoming, with Jason Momoa only proving he can scowl and Ron Pearlman being killed-off before he gets a chance to do anything memorable…I guess I could give them credit for not breaking-out into laughter during the mind-numbing dialogue. Besides the base story and weak acting, other film elements from set design to costuming are shockingly tasteless, sacrificing any credibility the film could have hoped to build in order to keep the audience entertained. The truly sad thing is that Conan the Barbarian borrows heavily from past sword-and-sorcery offerings that were far more successful in producing an acceptable film, but the filmmakers still clearly didn’t learn anything meaningful.
Almost a decade ago, there was a movie about a brutal ancient warrior who set out to avenge his slaughtered family against a warlord, starring a then-unknown actor; last summer, audiences watched a young orphan stop his uncle from gaining an ancient artifact with the help of a kidnapped princess with spiritual connections…sound familiar? The first film was 2002’s The Scorpion King starring new leading man Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, while the second was Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time; neither were perfect, yet they were undeniably entertaining and successful…even though Conan the Barbarian’s plot shamelessly borrows from both adventures, it still disappointingly squanders proven film formulas. Now, in the face of all of these bad elements, I vainly searched for any kind of redeeming qualities, but every single aspect of this supposed blockbuster is just awful. Case-in-point, as a character, Conan is a bloodthirsty warrior who can kick-ass with a sword, but where the film should have offered some impressive fight scenes and action sequences, but I can’t even identify if any actually made it into the final film, because shoddy camera-work and poor editing make every “battle” nauseating to watch; I lost count of how many villains were supposedly killed only to later reappear on-screen. Confusing, loud, and offering no impressive 3D effects whatsoever, Conan the Barbarian is an insulting waste of both time and money.
Last week, I would have identified Green Lantern as the worst movie of the 2011 Summer Movie Season, but luckily for Ryan Reynolds, Conan the Barbarian is not only the worst movie of the season, but it may also be the worst film I have ever seen, period. The box office seems to agree with me, as Conan opened in forth place and has yet to crack $20 million domestically, which is a pretty bad sign for a film that cost $90 million to produce. Even with an expansive international presence, the expanded audience has only added around $5.5 million to the gross revenue, a sharp contrast from the original, which made most of its money overseas. Luckily, I am not alone in my disdain for this film, because Conan the Barbarian has been critically panned…forget small changes to make this supposed adventure better, filmmakers would have been better completely scrapping this project, as Lionsgate and anyone else involved is clearly going to lose money. Bottom line, I guarantee that you have better things to do with your time; DO NOT see Conan the Barbarian…it sucks!
Overall Recommendation: Very Low
